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Heaven's not a place that you go when you die

Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

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  2011.11.30  16.14
it's been a long time...

Just wanted to do a quick update and let the LJ world know that I am alive and doing well. Living in Cali now and making my dreams come true.



Mood: happy
 
 

(the sharp hint)



 
  2010.04.23  00.52


Miserable.



Mood: stressed
 
 

(the sharp hint)



 
  2009.10.17  01.03
Lies.

I feel like I've been lied to my whole life, and I believed in the lie. Through and through. And now? I learned the truth.

2009 is the year of revelations.

My whole life, I've been waiting for things to get better. To be different. I've been waiting for happiness.

And guess what?

Life does not work like that.

I thought that getting out of college, moving forward in life, getting a degree and starting my career would make me happy. All my life, I had worked hard in school to go to college. Because once I had that college degree and found a job in my dream career, I would be happy.

BIG. FUCKING. LIE.

If I ever have kids, I will never feed them that ridiculous lie.

Life should be about finding what makes YOU happy. YOU and YOU ALONE. Not what society tells you to do.

I fell completely off-track this summer. I learned a hard lesson. My last semester of college, I actually had things figured out. But instead of listening to my heart, I listened to THE LIE. And now? I AM COMPLETELY MISERABLE. I took everything that made me happy and LOST IT.

So what to do now? Basically, I have to backtrack. Take the things that are wrong in my life and make them right again. Because I had it right. I FUCKING HAD IT! At one point, I was happy. And now I have to do everything I can to make things right again. Otherwise I may go insane.

Growing up sucks. Why? Because bad decisions can ruin everything.



Mood: pissed off
 
 

(the sharp hint)



 
  2009.08.18  01.13
Thoughts

Sociology. The study of human behavior. Society. Right and wrong. Truth. Human-created truth. Institutionalized. Socially constructed reality. Fuck it. We are all robots. We are programmed at birth and through our youth and teen years. We are told what to want. And we are born into certain circumstances. Sometimes people win the genetic lottery. It is all chance. Not fate. Coincidence. Some have looks, or charm, or wealth. Some have none. Some are born into a religion, a skin color, a race, a place, a life they didn't ask for nor choose. We all build up masks of protection. Name brands, labels, material objects, trophy wives, sports cars, muscles. Or we hide behind the haze of chemicals. We are told that we can be whatever we want. We desire a dream, something that isn't real. We want to graduate high school, no wait, get a degree, no wait, an even better degree, a better job, an even better job, more money, more money, more money. But what's the point? The best parts are in between. The moments. The experiences. And especially the people. You want marriage? Children? A house? A career? It will never be enough. And it will not be what you dreamt of. Life is all about mistakes. Because you go after what sounds good, sounds right, sounds "proper," but you grow nostalgic for what you had. Take a step back and look around. Are you happy? What makes you truly happy? Not those long work hours. Not the fancy car. Not the clothes. It's the people you share those special moments with. Why settle for yearning for a future you don't even know you want? We are programmed to want things beyond our reach, but sometimes what makes you happiest is right there sitting next to you. But knowing this won't make you un-programmed. Once a robot, always a robot. Just make the most of what you have. Take pictures. Take vacations. Laugh at everything, including yourself. Don't take life too seriously. No one gets out alive. Don't waste your time on things that make you frown. Don't let anyone else tear you down. It's all going to get better eventually.



Mood: bored
 
 

(the sharp hint)



 
  2009.04.25  01.04
college is almost over.

I'm pretty sad that my time at NIU is ending very soon. I can't wait to have my degree and get started in the field of Public Health, but I'm scared about the unknown. There are a lot of changes headed my way in a couple weeks.

It's been a while since I posted anything, so here's the quick update:

-My internship for the summer is at U of I Extension with the Community Health team for Cook County
-I have a wonderful boyfriend
-I will be moving out of my apartment soon :( and moving back in with my fam in the 'burbs
-No more school! AH!
-I've been writing a lot of music. None of it is posted, but come to a show, and you will probably hear some new stuff
-Things are fantastic for now... but everything is about to change... I hope things will still be fantastic but I just don't know...



Mood: anxious
 
 

(the sharp hint)



 
  2008.12.11  18.10
winter break '08

I can't believe the semester is finally over. I worked my booty off to do well. Hopefully all the studying and stress will pay off next week when I get my grades.

I've been thinking about my Christmas list. Here's what I have so far:

-"In Defense of Food" book
-full length mirror
-Common's new CD
-Kurt Halsey sweater and calendar
-small end table
-lap top or get my computer fixed
-Wal Mart gift card
-get my remaining artwork framed
-go shopping for work clothes/interview outfits

Eventually I need most of these things, so even if I don't receive them as gifts, I'll need to go out and purchase them. Or I just need to stop procrastinating, like the fact that my artwork has been sitting in my closet for months.

Next semester is going to be craaaazy. I'm taking 18 credits plus working, plus trying to, no wait, ACTUALLY finding an internship for the summer. Good stuff. I'm not sure where my Public Health degree will lead me, but I'm excited to find out.



Mood: good
 
 

(the sharp hint)



 
  2008.09.08  16.16
hmm

...yeah? Well I don't get me either.



Mood: confused
 
 

(the sharp hint)



 
  2008.06.29  23.44
MY SUMMER

-I work 2 jobs. One is great, one is okay. Both pay above minimum wage, which is good. But I am required to be on my feet all the time, which is fine except for once a week when I work double shifts. Oh feet pain.

-I hit the 1 year mark with Jarrod. YAY!!! It was magnificent.

-I've seen the same amount of musicals as concerts (2). That will probably change though, if everything works out. Both musicals were great though! I saw Wicked and Avenue Q. Breathtaking.

-The band has been stalled for a while. Blah. I haven't played any shows as S.O.S. either. One new song has been written, but that's it.

-July 4th will be awesome this year. AWESOME.

Living at home again? A pain. Thus I am being kicked off the computer.



Mood: awake
 
 

(the sharp hint)



 
  2008.06.22  00.59
nostalgia

My feet are killing me. It's 1 AM and I'm sitting in my mom's bedroom, typing on the computer in the dark, listening to the soundtrack "My mom's ridiculous snoring."

I'm thinking about regret. Do I have any regrets anymore?

I'm at a point in my life where I am 21. If I don't let the past go now, will I ever?

I can't be mad about the past boys in my life, because everything seems okay now that I have Jarrod.

I love traveling, and even though it costs SO MUCH to go overseas, it's worth it. I wish I could travel more. I've been stuck in IL for way too long.

Should I have chosen NIU? I don't know. I have one year left but I feel just as confused about my future as ever. I honestly don't know where I will be interning next year or where I will end up working. But maybe that's a good thing.

I just don't know.

I'm exhausted. This post is pointless and lame.

...

To be continued another night.



Mood: confused
 
 

(the sharp hint)



 
  2008.05.11  00.35
what a bitch.

Life sucks and then you die.

Awesome.

I'd rather run away to Cali. Who's with me?



Mood: grumpy
 
 

(the sharp hint)



 
  2008.04.01  21.11
Nervous?... nervous? nervous?

(The answer is yes, by the way.)

Things have been a rollercoaster lately--what's new?-- and I'm tired. I hate school, school work, projects, tests, studying, papers, etc. It all bores me. And pisses me off to the extreme.

I don't really know why I'm posting. I have nothing to say. I just want to shut off for a while and NOT THINK. I don't want to worry anymore about stupid shit.

I think I may be losing my mind slightly.



Mood: aggravated
 
 

(the sharp hint)



 
  2008.02.18  02.22
shock

No school for a week.

I don't really know what to say about what happened. I'm in complete shock and every story I read is completely unbelievable, in the truest sense of the word. I just don't understand how this happened at my school and why it happened. A random U of I grad student comes back to DeKalb to shoot students in a geology class? It makes no fucking sense.

It so easily could have been me, but I was lucky enough to have left that room an hour and a half early. The shooting is a national tragedy; actually, international! I was watching a news clip from AUSTRALIA! About NIU! Crazy. Even President Bush spoke about it and talked to the NIU president.

Once the shock wears off, I don't know how I will feel. But I do know that I am surrounded by people who love me, and as long as I'm alive, that's all that truly matters.



Mood: shocked
 
 

(the sharp hint)



 
  2008.02.14  15.52
Gunman on campus...?

Happy Valentine's Day, NIU...

I woke up this morning like it was any morning. I went to my first class (running late as usual) in COLE 101. I sat through a lecture about persuasive theory, and left to walk to Montgomery around 1:30 PM. I sat through a lecture about the nervous system until around 3:00 PM. My friends and I waited for the bus so that I could go to the Field House and work. At the psych building stop, one of Jaime's friends got on the bus and told us that someone was shot in the head at Cole. Everyone was in shock, but within seconds, cell phones started ringing. I was originally headed back to campus, but I got off at my apartment complex stop instead. I talked to Derek, who said that his friend was in lock-down on campus. I ran up the stairs to tell my roommate. A few minutes later, a news reporter came on the TV and started revealing details. 2 injured... 3 injured... Possibly 7 injured...

At my apartment, I can hear sirens and helicopters.

Everyone is shaken up and calling loved ones. The network is busy though, so I just keep getting messages and voicemails that I can't return.

 
 

(the sharp hint)



 
  2008.01.15  17.35
beginnings

Quick update:

This is the first week of school and it's much easier than I thought. But I probably won't be saying that in a few weeks! AH!

I am playing a show on Sunday- my first of 2008. WOOHOO!!!

Tomorrow is my 7 month anniversary with Jarrod. Crazy, huh? I found imperfect perfection. Love love love love love love. <3

My new favorite thing: locking myself in my room with my music: my guitars, my drum set, my microphone.

One last thing: If you haven't seen JUNO, you are missing out on a great movie! Go see it!



Mood: cheerful
 
 

(the sharp hint)



 
  2007.12.21  01.36
things are looking up :::knock on wood:::

Winter break has been great so far. I am working 2 jobs, hanging out with friends, seeing my family, and NOT stressing about school, homeworks, tests or crappy teachers. I'll save that for January when I go back to DeKalb. For now, I am just enjoying my time by being as busy as possible.

My headaches are doing better. Thus is the rollercoaster of my life. Sometimes good, sometimes bad.

Right now? Things are definitely looking up. :)



Mood: awake and happy
 
 

(the sharp hint)



 
  2007.12.06  02.07
my front is crumbling down

I am not strong. I am powerless. I can't put on a happy face anymore. I'm slowly being destroyed... it's not my fault, but there's nothing I can do to stop it. To stop them.

These god-damned fucking stupid migraines that won't leave me the fuck alone.

I can't do this anymore. I can't take it.

I feel utterly helpless.

And I just don't know what the fuck to do anymore.

I'm a wreck. No one understands. And no one can save me.

Not even my own fucking self.

::hands in air::

I quit.

I'm done pretending like this doesn't bother me. Because no one understands how much migraines utterly destroy my being. I'm in so much fucking pain and it's INVISIBLE. No one can see it, not unless they look into my eyes while I'm having a breakdown (been there, done that). And still, people look at me and THEY DON'T GET IT.

(not everyone, but most people)

I don't know if I can beg my teacher any more not to take points off for my absences. And the truth is, I don't even fucking care if he does. The point is NOT my GPA. I could care less about the A. It's the fact that HE DOESN'T GET IT. He doesn't understand and he doesn't even WANT to understand. He wants to pass me off as some blonde bimbo who is probably just hungover from partying every day and the truth is I'm a good student who has a fucking ILLNESS and it's just NOT MY FAULT. But he doesn't care. And I feel like I have to prove myself over and over and over again, to everyone I meet, to every teacher whose class I miss more than the average student, to my co-workers and bosses... it's like I have to go above and beyond to prove my "innocence" and I'm sick and fucking tired of it. I'm in PAIN and I have MEDICAL PROBLEMS and I'm being treated like sh*t. Sometimes I wish my brain tumor would come back just so I would have something to blame, something to point my finger at and to gain empathy instead of criticism.

But no.

I'm left with "...I have a migraine..." every single fucking time and I swear to God, I swear on my life, it's not made up.

Why do I even have to fucking say that? Why can't people just BELIEVE me? Why does it seem like every time I say it, people believe me less? Shouldn't it be the other way around? Like, "okay maybe she has chronic migraines, this isn't a one-time thing, we should give her a break." But I never get a fucking break. I either have a migraine or I have to prove that I HAD a migraine. I'm fucking sick of it. I'm done proving myself to cold heartless bastards. Because if they could see how much this hurts me-- if they could feel how much fucking PAIN I'm in-- then they would know. But I can't show them because it's invisible. So it's not my problem, it's THEIR problem. And like I said, I'm done trying to prove myself and my headaches to other people.

The end.



Mood: in pain
 
 

(the sharp hint)



 
  2007.11.26  22.43
moving. moving? MOVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (argh)

F*ck it.

::arms in the air::

I give up.



Cue: Apathy



Mood: apathetic?... i wish
 
 

(the sharp hint)



 
  2007.11.13  00.12
i hate the world

... and the world hates me.



Mood: pissed off
 
 

(the sharp hint)



 
  2007.11.11  12.21
ugh

I cut my dose of Depakote in half and I started my whole acne treatment.

HOW F*CKING FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've woken up with a headache every day. Every DAY! AGAIN! Seriously? SERIOUSLY?

*Someone* must hate me. Grrrr life.



Mood: frustrated
 
 

(the sharp hint)



 
  2007.11.04  23.36
freaking out

What is more important: Your looks or your health? The answer seems so obvious, doesn't it? You probably answered in your head "HEALTH! Derrrr."

I don't consider myself a "vain" person. You can find me in jeans and a sweatshirt any day of the week, any day of the year. I don't feel the need to impress people with labels or dressing up cute and preppy every day.

This year, I've developed a serious case of acne, and it's destroying my self-confidence. My dermatologist says that it will cause permanent scarring if it doesn't clear up soon. My skin itches all the time and hurts. I look in the mirror and hate what I see. Cover-up can mask the redness, but it can't cover up the bumps.

The possible cause? The headache medicine that has given me a normal life. Sure, I still get headaches once or twice a week, but that's much better than before, when I woke up with a migraine every day.

So what do I do? Continue taking the medicine causing my acne and destroying my confidence? Or stop taking the medication and possibly have a surge in migraines?

I am so torn.

I'm not good at making decisions... but I guess there is really only one thing I can do. I need to save my sanity and my sense of self. I should stop taking Depakote. And I guess if I need to go back on it, I will. But I can't take this anymore. I just can't.



Mood: confused
 
 

(the sharp hint)



 
  2007.09.01  12.09
last entry was 10 weeks ago, apparently...

My last entry talks about my relationship with Jarrod.

Things have only gotten better and I'm even happier. :)

An existing love life IS possible for me, woohoo!

The past couple weeks have been weird and exciting as I start a new semester at school. I share an apartment with one other girl, I have a hefty schedule, I need to find a new job, and I'm doing all of this without my boy. We spent pretty much the entire summer together, and now we have to reduce our time down to weekends, maybe even every other weekend. I miss him a lot, but everything will be okay.

I could talk about him for hours, but I won't... that's just cheesy.

I love my boy. <3



Mood: loved
 
 

(the sharp hint)



 
  2007.06.21  01.57
An existing love life: IS IT POSSIBLE?!?!?!

To refresh your memory, here are some of my comments on love and relationships:

"I'm homesick for a PERSON that doesn't exist."
"I miss feeling safe with someone."
"True love isn't always love at first sight. Love isn't a fairy tale, it isn't planned, and it certainly isn't what you dream about at night, complete with Miss Perfect or Prince Charming. I doubt she will be perfect, and he won't be a prince anything."


Okay, so I wouldn't call it love just yet, but I'm in a brand new relationship. Which is totally creeping me out, in a good (GREAT!) way. Because I thought that this PERSON didn't exist. I was beginning to feel so hopeless (even though I tried my best not to). A past flame tends to show up in my dreams ALL THE FREAKIN TIME (including my dream last night) and we always get back together in the dream, which is 100% improbable. But him being in my dreams is like a constant reminder that I failed in the past. But now, with this new boy, there is a chance; perhaps, there is even hope. HOPE for ME! And I didn't think it was possible!! I wanted to find someone who I could feel safe and comfortable with again.

Right now, I'm very optimistic and feeling fantastic. I feel so lucky to have found someone this summer. This is COMPLETELY unexpected, for real. It's summer vacation and I'm back home... the ideal situation NOT to find someone. I feel like it's fate or something, I don't know. Gosh I'm so cheesy right now!! ::gag:: Just kidding. I'm just in that happy/bubbly/euphoric phase. It'll probably pass, but I'm enjoying it while I can.

:)



Mood: giddy
 
 

(1 new tear | the sharp hint)



 
  2007.06.07  01.44
This is a cute idea so I'll do it!

Comment and...

1- I'll answer with something random about you.
2- I'll dare you to try something.
3- I'll say a color I associate with you.
4- I'll tell you something I like about you.
5- I'll tell you something I always remember about you/a first memory about you.
6- I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7- I'll ask you something I always wanted to ask you.
8- If I do this for you, you must put this in your journal.



Mood: okay
 
 

(the sharp hint)



 
  2007.06.01  00.38
so many boys in this world

Optimism is the key. There are so many boys in this world; there must be one out there for me somewhere.


I don't miss *him.* I miss what he stood for. I miss how he made me feel. I miss feeling safe with someone.


I'm homesick for a PERSON that doesn't exist.



Mood: bored
 
 

(1 new tear | the sharp hint)



 
  2007.05.17  00.03
another person's words... they could have come out of my own mouth

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

-Neil Gaiman



Mood: bored
 
 

(2 new tears | the sharp hint)



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[ *SHOOTING over STARboard* my solo acoustic music ]