gonnabarockxtar (gonnabarockxtar) wrote,

  • Mood:

my front is crumbling down

I am not strong. I am powerless. I can't put on a happy face anymore. I'm slowly being destroyed... it's not my fault, but there's nothing I can do to stop it. To stop them.

These god-damned fucking stupid migraines that won't leave me the fuck alone.

I can't do this anymore. I can't take it.

I feel utterly helpless.

And I just don't know what the fuck to do anymore.

I'm a wreck. No one understands. And no one can save me.

Not even my own fucking self.

::hands in air::

I quit.

I'm done pretending like this doesn't bother me. Because no one understands how much migraines utterly destroy my being. I'm in so much fucking pain and it's INVISIBLE. No one can see it, not unless they look into my eyes while I'm having a breakdown (been there, done that). And still, people look at me and THEY DON'T GET IT.

(not everyone, but most people)

I don't know if I can beg my teacher any more not to take points off for my absences. And the truth is, I don't even fucking care if he does. The point is NOT my GPA. I could care less about the A. It's the fact that HE DOESN'T GET IT. He doesn't understand and he doesn't even WANT to understand. He wants to pass me off as some blonde bimbo who is probably just hungover from partying every day and the truth is I'm a good student who has a fucking ILLNESS and it's just NOT MY FAULT. But he doesn't care. And I feel like I have to prove myself over and over and over again, to everyone I meet, to every teacher whose class I miss more than the average student, to my co-workers and bosses... it's like I have to go above and beyond to prove my "innocence" and I'm sick and fucking tired of it. I'm in PAIN and I have MEDICAL PROBLEMS and I'm being treated like sh*t. Sometimes I wish my brain tumor would come back just so I would have something to blame, something to point my finger at and to gain empathy instead of criticism.

But no.

I'm left with "...I have a migraine..." every single fucking time and I swear to God, I swear on my life, it's not made up.

Why do I even have to fucking say that? Why can't people just BELIEVE me? Why does it seem like every time I say it, people believe me less? Shouldn't it be the other way around? Like, "okay maybe she has chronic migraines, this isn't a one-time thing, we should give her a break." But I never get a fucking break. I either have a migraine or I have to prove that I HAD a migraine. I'm fucking sick of it. I'm done proving myself to cold heartless bastards. Because if they could see how much this hurts me-- if they could feel how much fucking PAIN I'm in-- then they would know. But I can't show them because it's invisible. So it's not my problem, it's THEIR problem. And like I said, I'm done trying to prove myself and my headaches to other people.

The end.
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